Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Procrastination Is My Nemisis

I have been battling procrastination my entire life.  Procrastination wins a lot.  It’s an epic battle.  It’s a more epic battle than Waterloo, Battle of Midway, Battle of Thermopylae, The Alamo, Halger vs. Hearns, Spy vs. Spy, Hatfields vs. McCoys, Rocky vs Drago, Karate Kid vs Blond Kid, Biggie vs Tupac, Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner, Gandalf vs that frightening demon thing where he yells “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

Speaking of Gandalf… I think this epic battle properly illustrates my life long engagement with procrastination.  In this clip here, Balrog (apparently the demon’s name) shows up on the scene like the cops to a  high school keg party.  You know the drill… cops show up…. teens run like hell.  Balrog shows up…. Galdalf’s yells RUN!  At that point, Hobbits, Elves, Men and a Dwarf beat feet like they got warrants… throwing down keg cups and jumping fences. (skip to the 1:00 min mark)

Side Note: Why does some one at the party always turn the music down before they run?  That never made sense to me.   They know it’s a party already!  I think it’s the panic setting in.  Somebody yells “COPS!”... music always goes right down.  It could be the host of the party, but I never stuck around long enough to find out.

Side Side Note: There are three types of Keg Party Hosts:
  • The Buzzkill Host: Sticks around to talk to cops, accepts responsibility for the party (usually has zero fun at his own party.  This guy/girl walks around all night making sure his moms nice dinning room table doesn’t get scratched and turning down the music.  They are the worst party hosts ever.  They usually get grounded for their entire senior year.  After their party The Buzzkill Host never has fun ever again for the rest of their life.)
  • The Best Night/Worst Night of My Life Host This person is a total newbie for keg party hosting.  They usually get way too drunk, way too fast.  At some point in the night, they have some type of degrading sexual experience.  This happens right before they pass out in their mom’s bathroom in a pile of their own puke. Ten minutes later the cops always show up.
  • The Businessman Host:  This kid is making some cash today.  This is the most experienced party host by about 10 car lengths.  He will host the best party you’ve ever been to.  His parties have the loudest music, the most beer, the coolest and most sexy people. You’ll never forget this party… ever.  $5 a cup if you want to drink and he’s profiting $400 bucks tonight.  This kid never sticks around for the cops.  He’s out of the door faster than you.  What does he care if the crusiers show up, he’s going to blame the party on his little brother anyway?  His name is always Scott.

The other thing that cracks me up is the 3 or 4 people who don't run out of the house.  Those are always the kids who get arrested.  If you don’t know to run when someone yells “Cops!” then:

  • a) you’ve never been to a keg party or “Keggah” ( what people from Boston call ‘em)
  • b) you may have and injury that prevents you from running (understandable)
  • c) you really want to get arrested

I lost a shoe once I ran from the cops so hard.  I walked the rest of the night around with one shoe.  It’s cool, I found “The Business Man Host” and he gave me a ride home… I had to throw him $5 buck for gas though.

(Back to Gandalf)

Gandalf knows the evil of Balrog and turns and runs.  And wouldn’t you??? What the F is that thing???  

He knows he needs to get to perfect spot to make his stand against Balrog.  He makes it the bridge and forces the others to go on. 

Another Side Note: Actually this part in the movie makes no sense….  How do they actually outrun Balrog?  Ain’t he like 150 feet tall?   One of his steps is like 30 strides for a hobbit.  How tall is hobbit like 3’5”?  That’s a 50 to 1 ratio.  Come on Peter Jackson… its called Math.  

So at one point Gandalf decided F this…..  I’m making my stand!  He turns on the bridge, slams his magic staff down and yells “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”  (the nerd in me gets the chills every time I see that).

Balrog represents the procrastination that lives inside me.  Some days it’s a150 feet tall and the scariest fire whip wielding magma demon you ever saw… and some days it’s the size of a Hobbit.  I don’t always win… Some days I let the hot magma demon totally torture me and pick out my eyes with his gigantic lava claws.   Some days he roasts me and lashes me with his fire whip. 

But some days….

Some days you got to get sick of running and make your stand.  Some days you got to turn around like Ajax, from The Warriors, and fight the Baseball Furies because you're “Sick of running from these wimps!” (Ajax is such a bad ass!)

Some days I’m like Gandalf. I turn, make my stand, and fight him with all the white magic I got.   I punch and wrestle and roll around on the ground.  I fight so hard I loose my breath.  I fight so hard my belly gets hot and turned around like I’m gonna puke.  Those are they days I win. 

One day I will get procrastination, my archenemy, and send him to the abyss.  I will emerge victorious and go from Grey to White like Gandalf did.  Then my magic will be limitless.

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